What to Say to a Loved One Who Is Low

You do not need to know how to heal anyone. Most of what someone who is low needs is to be heard without being judged.

When someone you love has been low for a long time, many people hesitate to speak up, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of reopening old wounds. That fear is understandable, but silence usually leaves the other person feeling more alone.

You do not need to have the answer. You only need to be there.

How to start

• Choose a private moment, without hurry, and put the phone away
• Ask open and specific questions: "How have you been feeling in yourself lately?", "I've noticed you're sleeping much less, is something going on?"
• Say what you have observed rather than drawing a conclusion: "I've seen you skip meals these past few days" is easier to hear than "you're depressed"
• Wait. A few seconds of silence is normal, do not rush to fill it

Things to avoid saying

• "There's nothing to be sad about", "plenty of people have it worse"
• "Chin up, think positive"
• "It's just that you overthink everything"
• Immediately telling your own story to prove you have been through the same thing

These lines usually come from good intentions, but the person hearing them understands something else: my feelings do not count.

Things that usually help

• "I'm here, you can tell me anything you want"
• "That really is heavy, go on, I'm listening"
• "You don't have to be all right right now"
• "Is there anything this week I could do for you?"

Concrete help is often worth more than advice: cooking a meal, picking up the children, going with them to the clinic.

When a professional is needed

Encourage your family member to see a doctor if the state lasts more than two weeks, if it affects their eating, sleeping or work, or if nothing matters to them any more. Offer to go with them — the first step is usually the hardest.

If your family member talks about wanting to end everything, stay with them, do not leave them alone, and take them to a medical facility immediately.

Finally, look after your own strength. Being alongside someone who is low is a long road, and you too need rest and support.

This information is for general reference only and does not replace advice from your doctor.

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